When action figures come alive
by Miba
Summary: What happens when action figures come alive? Yoda has a bad day, Obi-Wan figures bug everyone, Anakin figures boast about how great they are. Proofread by el sapo diablo.


Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars, Grey Poupon, Hasbro or Alice in Wonderland.  
AN: Ever hear that story about toys coming alive on Christmas Eve? Ever sit around and wonder what they would do if they did? Ever look over at your action figure collection and wonder what they would do if they came alive? I'm here to answer all your questions. ***WARNING*** Previous statement is not to be taken literaly.  
  
When action figures come alive  
  
  
It was the middle of the night and the grandfather clock out in the hall sounded 12 times. A sort of mist filled the room that was down the hall and to the right, three doors down. It was the bedroom of a 15 year old girl.   
  
The walls were covered in Star Wars posters; some of which, displayed more proudly, were posters of Boba Fett or Obi-Wan.  
On her bookshelves were Star Wars and Indiana Jones books, among others.  
  
On her bedside table sat a CD player. Beside that was a handful of CDs and on the cover of each was the name "John Williams". Beside that were her diary, pencils, and a Star Wars calendar. The camouflage curtains were drawn to keep out the light of morning, not that morning had yet come. On the girl's TV cabinet were some movies. Three boxed sets of the Original Star Wars trilogy, both the VHS and DVD version of The Phantom Menace, and the Indiana Jones trilogy.   
  
The mist crept over to the lump beneath the camouflage blankets, which acted as a sedative, making sure she wouldn't wake up until morning.  
The multitude of action figures she had were the next thing to which the mist went. There were three Boba Fett action figures, six Obi-Wan figures (including two old geezers), one Yoda, two Han Solos, two Padme's, four Anakins, two Qui-Gons, a Mace Windu, a Vader, a Lando, one Mon Mothma, a Jar Jar, a Tarpals, two Leias and all members of the Jedi council.  
  
The mist surounded them and the action figures began to jerk around. Then one moved on it's own, soon to be followed by another, and another.  
  
The three Boba Fett figures took one look at each other and started fighting. But it was a very different scene just a few inches away...  
  
"Hello, I'm Obi-Wan Kenobi," said a Generator Room Battle figure (I'll call him Obi1).  
The other figure, Obi-Wan with a lightsaber and comlink (Obi2, we shall call him), said, "No you're not. I'm Obi-Wan Kenobi."  
An older figure, from the fight with Vader (Ben1) shook his head. "Nobody has respect for elders. I'm Obi-Wan Kenobi. And there can't be three Obi-Wans because Kenobi isn't a well known name."  
A forth figure, the one with a green lightsaber (Obi3) walked over, "It seems all of you are mistaken. I'm Obi-Wan Kenobi."  
Two figures walked over together, old Obi from Tatooine (Ben2) and young Obi from the Trade Federation ship (Obi4). "What's going on here?" asked Obi4.  
Ben1 turned around. "What's going on is that these three seem to think they're Obi-Wan, when I'm clearly him."  
Obi4 and Ben2 traded glances. "We're both Obi-Wan and we're getting along. I believe that some sort of time portal has opened up, therefore letting me see myself 30 years ago," Ben2 said.  
"If it's a time portal, then why are we here?" Obi2 asked.  
"Well.... I... I guess that each of us come from a different time, therefore we're seeing ourselves at those different times." Obi4 explained.  
A short green figure, resembling a shriveled mossy peanut with ears, hobbled over. "Go through this every time must we? Know we do, that every night we wake up."  
"Yes. But it's fun. And it confuses others." Obi1 grinned.  
"Understand youngsters never will I," Yoda said before he caught sight of the Boba FettsÌ fighting.  
Yoda held out a tridactyl hand and said, "Break this up you should! Know already you do that you are all Boba Fett." he grinded.  
The 300th special edition figure (Boba1) looked down at him. "It's good practice." The other two figures (The Boba Fett figure from 83--Boba2--and the figure from 87--Boba3) nodded and went back to fighting.  
  
Yoda sighed heavily and walked away to see if he could find Master Windu. At least he probably had some sanity left.  
At the other end of the shelf were two Qui-Gons (The generator room one-Quiggy--and Trade Federation ship Qui-Gon--Gonny), where waiting for Yoda so they could pester him into letting them train the Anakin figures.  
Quiggy suddenly turned toward Gonny. "I forgot something. There's four Anakins and two of us."  
Gonny shrugged. "We'll get Obi-Wan to train the last two."  
Quiggy nodded, "Good idea, but which Obi-Wan?"  
Gonny appeared to be in though for a while. "You  
choose."  
"No you."  
"You."  
"You."  
"You."  
"You!"  
"YOU!"  
"YOU!"  
"STOP!!!" Called a frustrated Yoda. Quiggy and Gonny looked down at Yoda then grinned evilly.  
"Ohhhh, Yoda," said Quiggy sweetly.  
"Like the sound of that I do not," Yoda said suspiciously.  
"We'd like to train the Anakins, but there's four of them and only two of us. We'd like for one of the Obi-Wans to train the last two." Gonny explained.  
"Which ones?" Yoda asked.  
"You mean OBI-Wans," Gonny corrected.  
"What? No, mean what I say I do. Which ones?"  
Gonny looked over at Quiggy, who he shrugged. "I don't know any Which-Ones."  
  
Suddenly four small nearly identical children with blonde mops of hair went  
running past. The one with a Jedi cloak (Ani1) said, "No I'm better because I got a Master and you don't."  
"I'm the Chosen One, so I'm better then you guys," said the figure with a pilot's helmet (Ani2).  
The figure with a backpack (Ani3) ran around the other two, "I'm the only human who can race pods, let alone win a race."  
The third one, the one with a droid (Ani4) tagged behind the others. "I'm a good mechanic."  
The other two stopped for a moment to look at him then laughed.  
  
Yoda crept away from the two Qui-Gon's who were now fighting over what they thought Yoda had meant and which Obi-Wans to dump the last Anis on.  
"I'm the only human who can Podrace AND be a good mechanic," Ani3 said.  
"I'm the Chosen One AND the only human who can Podrace AND a good mechanic," said Ani2.  
"I've got a Master AND I'm the Chosen One AND I'm the only human who can Podrace AND I'm a good mechanic," Ani1 boasted.  
Ani3 glared. ÍShut up, you little prat! No one asked you!Î  
  
Darth Vader from the end of the Empire Strikes Back walked up. "You think you're good? I'm Lord Vader. Dark Lord of the Sith. Your puny mechanic skills are no match for the power of the Dark Side. Cower brief mortals."  
"Stop now, you will!" Yoda broke in.  
Ani4 sniffled unconvincingly. "They think they're better then me."  
Ani1 looked over at him, and said, "No we don't."  
Yoda nodded triumphantly.  
Adding an evil grin, Ani1 added, "We know we are!"  
Yoda slouched.  
Vader breathed menacingly, as all Vader action figures want to do. "Ignorant children. Everyone knows that I'm obviously the BEST."  
  
Suddenly two Padme figures (Padme on Tatooine known as Ami1, and the final battle figure, Ami2) went walking by.  
"A Jedi craves not excitement and adventure. And very bad boasting about such things are." Yoda realized he was talking to thin air, as all four  
Anakins and the Vader had forgotten their fight and were trailing after the Padmes boasting about how great they were.  
ÍI can build pod racers!Î Ani1 said desperately.  
Vader cut in, ÍI lead an entire fleet of doomsday vessels and crush rebel forces everyday!Î  
Yoda stomped his foot. "Hear anybody does what I say?"  
"Meesa do! Meesa do!" Jar Jar said as Yoda turned to face him.  
"Annoy me you will not! Annoy the Obi-Wan's you will!"  
Jar Jar grinned and walked over to the Obi-Wans.  
A minute later Yoda heard a scream and went running. "Bad idea this was."  
He soon saw Jar Jar surrounded by all six Obi-Wans, who had their lightsabers drawn.  
"No! No! Kill him you must not!" Yoda called.  
"But why, Master Yoda?" Asked Obi1.  
"Yeah. Pllllleeeeeaaaaaassssseeeeee let us kill him."  
Pleaded Obi3.  
"It's not our place to kill the.... the.... whatever this is." Obi4 said.  
The others glared at him, "Asskisser..." they murmured collectively.  
"Call people names you should not! And kill Jar Jar you must not. For an action figure he is. If kill him you do, know the girl will, that come alive we do. Bad that would be."  
The Obi-Wans grumpily put away their lightsabers, but didn't move from Jar Jar. At least not until the Padmes went walking by, still trailing all the pathetic socially-challenged Anakins. The Obi-Wans grinned evilly and stalked off, even Obi4.  
"Hey, Anakin," Obi2 said super sweetly.  
"No, his name's Ani," corrected Ben2.  
"Ani?" Obi2 faked shock and horror. "Oh, Ani, I'm so sorry I got your name wrong."  
"Since my name's not Ani," Vader laughed. "That doesn't apply to me. Ask for Vader and you'll get Vader. Ask for Ani and you'll get an answering machine."  
Everyone looked at him for a moment before he backed up to stand next to the Padmes.  
Ani4 looked up at the Obis, "What do you want?"  
Ani3 looked over at him, "Did he say he wanted to talk to you? I'm much more important. He wants to talk to me."  
Ani2 stopped walking and turned around, "I'm more important then both of you put together."  
A sudden laugh made everyone look over at Ani1. "I'm more important then anybody here. In fact, I'm the most important character."  
As the Anak... Ani's got into a fight, the Obis gave each other triumphant high-fives.  
  
Obi1 looked over where Jar Jar was talking to Captain Tarpals. "Hey, Jar Jar! Come here!" Jar Jar ran over.  
"Heelodally. Meesa yo humbal sarvant."  
"Yeah, I know. Would you go get some chairs and popcorn?"  
"No! Not you servant he is. Go back to Tarpals you must. No popcorn does Obi-Wan require,Î Yoda interrupted.  
Jar Jar shrugged and walked away.  
"I say, Yoda," called Ben1. "I want to ask you something." Yoda walked over to him and Ben1 turned him around so he couldn't see what was going on.  
"Ani, having trouble getting Padme to like you?" Obi3 tormented.  
All four Anakins stopped punching and kicking and looked up. "No, we're doing just fine," they all said at once.  
"Riiiiight. That's why they're not here watching you fight," Obi1 said.  
They looked around, realizing both Padmes and Vader  
had disappeared.  
"Padme!!!!!" The Anakins all went running in different directions.  
"What ask of me do you?" Yoda asked.  
"Do you have any grey poupon?" Ben1 asked with a straight face.  
"No." Yoda heard the Anakin's scream "Padme!!!!" And peeked around Ben1. "Tricked me you did! Enough of you I've had. Going I am. Good riddance!"  
"Yoda!" All the Obis called at once, then they spoke together, "Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering. Anger, fear, aggression, the Dark Side are they. Once you start down the Dark Path, forever will it dominate your destiny!"  
Yoda shook his gimmer stick at then and stomped away to the sound of the Obis giving each other congratulatory high-fives.  
"That's not fair!" Yoda turned to see Return of the Jedi Han (Han1). He was talking to Skiff Guard Lando.  
"What not fair is?" he asked.  
"Leia's wearing a metal bikini and I can't see her because I have hibernation sickness! Which means I'm blind. Oh gods! What am I missing??" Han1 wailed.  
Lando laughed. "It's quite a sight."  
Han1 attempted to punch him but missed.  
"Kill each other or harm each other you must not, for the way of the Force it is not," Yoda explained.  
"Yeah, but we're not Jedi," Lando pointed at Han1. "And he's a no good, double crossing, swindler."  
"That's not all he is," said Bespin Leia (Leia1). "He's also a stuck up, scruffy looking, nerfherder. And a scoundrel."  
"Ok, why is everyone ganging up on me?" Han1 complained.  
"Gang up on you I do not. On same side we are. Gang up on us people do," Yoda said.  
  
"Hi!" Another Han came walking up. It was Han from A New Hope (Han2). "What's up?"  
"They're gangin' up on us, Han2." Han1 said.  
"So lets throw it back at them," Han2 grinned and then yelled, "Hey, Obi-Wans!!! I need some help!"  
The Obi-Wans came walking over.  
Lando and Leia1 paled a few shades and Yoda was beginning to retreat.  
"Why call them?" he complained.  
"Hi, what do you want?" Ben2 asked.  
"They're picking on us," Han2 waved to Lando and Leia1.  
"I'm not,Î said Slave Leia (Leia2). She walked over and stood between Hans 1 and 2.  
"Ok!" Han1 smiled.  
"No! Speak one word and punished you will be!" Yoda practically yelled.  
"Even if it's to ask you a question?" Ben1 asked. "I am one of the older and therefore have more respect for authority and age."  
"Yes, ask me a question you can," Yoda replied.  
Ben1 walked over to Yoda and blocked the shriveled peanutÌs view.  
"Lando, you're a scoundrel too," Obi1 said.  
"Scoundrel2?" Obi2 asked. "I've never met him. What's he look like?"  
"And if his name's Scoundrel2, that means there's a Scoundrel1," Ben2 said.  
"Hey! Han1 is Scoundrel1 and Lando's Scoundrel2," Obi3 said.  
"Ok, we've renamed Han1 and Lando, but what about Han2, Leia1 and Leia2?" Obi4 asked.  
"Um... Slave1 for Leia2..." Obi1 began, but a blaster shot cut him off.  
"Slave I is the name of my ship. You can't use it," all three Boba Fetts said at once.  
"Sorry," Obi4 said.  
One Boba turned to the other, and that one to the last, and the last to the first, "Slave I is my ship."   
They all said, then resumed their fighting. This time over the ship.  
Meanwhile, Ben1, still with a straight face, asked, "Do you have any Grey Poupon?"  
Yoda was about to hit Ben1 with his gimmer stick when suddenly, a figure jetpacked down into the midst of the blaster bolts. "Stop! My son doesn't  
fight himself!"  
All eyes turned to the Jango Fett figure. Yoda peeked out from behind Ben1. "No! Here you're not supposed to be! Sitting in the Hasbro warehouse you're  
supposed to be!"  
Jango looked down at him. "I got restless."  
"Back to the warehouse you go!" Yoda yelled.  
"Fine. See if I ever come back," Jango turned to go.  
"Hey, am I late for the party?" Obi-Wan with probe droid from Attack of the Clones runs onto the scene (Obi5).  
"Yes. The party's over and we're leaving." Jango replied walking past Obi5.  
"Hey!!!" the Obis shouted triumphantly.  
"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Yoda shouted. "Leave you will! Need another Obi-Wan I do not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
Obi2 turned to Yoda, "You know she'll buy Obi5 the second he's on the shelf."  
"Get rid of all of you she should!" Yoda grumbled.  
Obi5 noticed that Jango was about to disappear from sight. "Hey, whoa! Hold up, Jango!" Obi5 ran over to him. "You know I can't find my way back."  
They left, much to Yoda's relief.  
  
"Hey, Yoda, how long ago did your hair turn gray?" Obi1 asked.  
"Since the moment you were born," he stalked away, noticing that both Hans, both Leias and the Lando had disappeared. He nodded his head in approval.  
Yoda continued walking until he saw a shadow moving. He walked over to it.  
"Are you who?" He asked.  
"No, I'm not Who. I'm Panaka. Head of Queen Amidala's security," a voice, obviously Panka's, answered.  
"And I'm Ric Olie," he pointed at Panaka. "He's Panaka."  
"What doing here are you?" asked Yoda, looking around and hoping the Obis wouldn't pop out of thin air.  
"Hiding," Ric said.  
"From the Obis. If they find us we'll be sitting ducks," Panaka said. "By the way, you should hide too, you might be destroyed!"  
Ric looked Yoda up and down. "You're short. You can hide easily. At least in the dark. But Panaka's the one that can hide easily in this dark."  
Panaka frowned. "You shouldn't say that. I wouldn't hurt you. I'd be too scared to. I might get hurt. But others might wish to harm you."  
"You're worried," Ric said.  
"He's not the only one," Yoda said, referring to himself.  
Ric laughed.  
Yoda was about to step into the darkness, but he heard someone whine, "But I was going into Tosche Station to pick up some power converters!"  
"Might be back later I will," Yoda said as he walked off. Soon he saw Luke from Tatooine. He was talking to himself.  
"No, no. That's not whiny enough. Ahem! But I was going into Tosche Station to pick up some power converters!!!"  
"What doing are you?" Yoda asked, making Luke jump and spin around.  
"Yoda. You scared me."  
"Which is why train you I did not want to," Yoda mumbled.  
"What?" Luke asked leaning down a little.  
"Fear leads to anger..." here Luke joined in. "Anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering."  
Yoda scowled while Luke grinned. "I know. My dad told me all about it."  
"Know you do who your father is?" Yoda asked.  
"Yeah," Luke frowned. "Vader told me."  
"Not ready for the burden were you," Yoda said mournfully.  
"What are you talking about? I think it's cool!" Luke exclaimed.  
Yoda stomped away, "Why do I even bother?"  
"Because you know it entertains us," Obi1 said.  
"Arrgggghhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!! Where come from did you?" Yoda yelled.  
"Well," Obi3 said as he came up behind Yoda. "We came from Hasbro. Or where you referring to the real Obi-Wan Kenobi?"  
"If he was, I dunno where he came from. Some say Tatooine, though, if that'll help," Obi2 said.  
Yoda spun around, watching helplessly as the Obis surrounded him, all of them grinning evilly. They didn't say anything, just stood there. Soon Yoda was hunched up in a ball whispering, "Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering."  
Suddenly all the Obis started asking, "Have you any Grey Poupon?" They repeated it over and over and over.  
"Nooo! No Grey Poupon have I got!" Yoda yelled finally.  
"Many Bothans died to bring us Grey Poupon," a voice suddenly said.  
The Obis looked up, "Hey, Mon!"  
"I'm not a man," Mon Mothma said. "Many Bothans died to tell me that."  
Many Bothans died to tell her to SHUT UP, Yoda thought.  
While the Obis happily messed with Mon, Yoda crept away.  
  
As soon as Yoda was sure the Obis couldn't hear him, he ran. He tripped over a root, although what a root was doing on a shelf, we'll never know. As he was getting up, Yoda noticed the tree looked strange. A voice was heard singing some nonsense song. Then a grin appeared hovering over a limb of the tree, which we've discovered was part of a Dagobah set the girl had.  
"Hello," said the mouth as a cat slowly formed around the grin.  
"Hmph," Yoda replied. "If the Obi-Wans sent you, gone you will be."  
"The who?" The cat asked.  
"The Obi-Wans."  
"What about them?" The cat asked.  
"They sent you," Yoda replied.  
"Who did?" the cat asked.  
Yoda finally lost it and hit the tree with his gimmer stick. Mainly due to the fact that he couldn't reach the cat.  
The cat disappeared and Yoda could see a hologram machine. But that didn't interest him. Instead, the hole that was forming in the tree trunk did. Yoda peered into the room beyond, but accidentally fell into the room. Yoda got up and turned around to discover the door had closed. But that didn't matter because a light lit up the room. Which is a good thing or else someone would have had to change the light bulb. Yoda's eyes quickly adjusted to the bright light, and peered around the room where he saw Mace Windu and the rest of the council.  
"What doing here are you?" Yoda asked. "Looking for you I was."  
"Shhhh..." Ki-Adi-Mundi warned.  
"We're hiding from the Obi-Wans," Mace whispered.  
Yoda nodded. "Good idea this is."  
"But we only have one problem, " Mace continued. "We're out of Grey Poupon. Do you have any?" 


End file.
